How We Connect

Overview: The Artful Science of True Love’s theory is simple, elegant, and revolutionary.  Layers of evolved brain correspond to levels of evolved human intelligence each different and each providing an opportunity for lovers to connect through their own unique love languages. When we establish the connections of true love at each level of mind through the modern dating ritual, they enhance the physical, create new emotional horizons, and expand consciousness for both individuals. It is the stuff of storybook stories.

How do most of the three-percenters find true love?  A better question may well be, how does true love find most three-percenters?  The simple answer is that in a moment the seed can spark into existence, which accounts for why explosives are often used as metaphors to describe the flashpoint with the accompanying expansion to euphoric romanticism.  Infatuation results from the spark and a love relationship is born.  I believe that there are three types of love relationships:  True Love, Adequate and Harmful.

Establishing balanced connections is critical for true love to root and grow between partners.  One of the most amazing things about finding equilibrium along the continuums of connection is that it can occur naturally.  For most, there are few if any conscious thoughts expended at the beginning of the process and that makes sense because connecting begins with instinctual attraction.  One of the beautiful consequences of strong physical attraction is that it can help facilitate a natural migration for both partners along the emotional and intellectual continuums during the infatuation phase of the relationship.

Two people finding equilibrium, naturally, in the vast complexity of modern society is probably more attributable to luck than any specific conscious effort.  This is why the percent that do find true love is so low.  In order to understand how lovers connect at each active level of mind, I want to familiarize you with the three continuums (physical, emotional, and intellectual) and their subordinate lines of connection.

The Physical Continuum

In a potential love situation, our instincts first communicate attraction and acceptance to each other.  The real mental hijacker and cause of infatuation, a strong physical or animal attraction is as important as knowing your own mind and expanding your trust level and comfort zone when it comes to establishing the bonds of true love.  The physical continuum is rife with the unbridled release of hormones through our instinctual intelligence and the effect of a strong physical attraction producing this brain chemistry can have a dramatic impact on perceptual and conceptual intelligence during the infatuation phase of a love relationship.  For some lucky enough to walk the path of true love the feel great brain chemicals never stop coming.  Recent breakthroughs in neuroscience have suggested that some couples still respond with as much passion after twenty years together as most people do during the early throes of romance.  Approximately ten percent of these mature couples had the same chemical reactions when shown photographs of their loved ones as those just beginning their relationships.  Previous research, especially on love related brain chemistry, have suggested that the first stages of romantic love or infatuation fade within fifteen months and, after ten years, is gone completely.

For young women and men, instinctual level connections are predicated on transferring the best genes to the next generation and forming several lines of connection under the physical continuum.  Many relationship counselors have adopted the philosophy that love is a choice.  This might be bad counsel because in the instinctual physical realm, there is no choice, you are attracted to your partner or you are not.  For more mature members of the dating pool, beyond the child-rearing years, the rules of physical attraction are the same, albeit individual, but both men and women seem to be more capable of overcoming negative instinctual communication.

Trumping strong physical attraction may lead to a relationship of convenience where needs are traded off between partners but probably not true love.  Buyer beware!  A large percentage of men and women will enter into a long-term relationship in order to fill needs outside the boundaries of physical attraction.  This is not an indictment as they may not realize what they are doing and are typically capable of talking themselves into a nominal and functional level of attraction by conceptually justifying the relationship.

I am always amazed by how many people do just that, ignore their instincts and settle for someone to whom they are not strongly attracted in order to satiate other needs.  The resulting relationship trap can have a dramatic negative effect on both partners.  You have likely spotted people who employ relationship traps.  They key is to listen to the first phrase they use to describe a new dating partner.  If you hear any of the following first:  “he is really funny,” “she is very nice,” “he has a great job,” “she is extremely smart,” or similar statements, the person talking is probably not headed for the 97th percentile.  If you find yourself using these comments first to describe your new gal or guy, RUN!  Conversely, if the first thing that comes to mind when describing your new lover include  “I’ve fallen hard,” “she’s smoking,” “he’s so sexy,” “I can’t take my eyes off her,” or the similar, then you have probably met a key criteria for finding true love, strong physical attraction.

Instinctual Communication revolves around the level of physical and sexual attraction we have for a current or potential love partner and how we send and receive messages about that attraction.  Gauging the signals of physical attraction through instinctual communication is easier during the infatuation phase of a relationship.  However, it can be quite tricky in a long-term relationship because in adequate or harmful relationships, our level of attraction ebbs and flows with the emotional flavor or intellectual argument of the day.  The most important connecting lines under the physical continuum of connection include:  Instinctual Communication, Looks, Appearance, Hygiene, Touch, Smell, Taste, Voice, Movement, Affection, and Sex.

The Emotional Continuum

In order to harvest the benefits of true love, the internal focus of knowing and accepting our own minds is just as important as the external focus of a strong physical calling to a particular partner.  To find equilibrium and balance with our love partner we must first find it in ourselves.  Notice that two elements are required to open ourselves up to the connecting power of the emotional continuum.  First, we need to understand the relationships of communication between our instinctual, perceptual, and conceptual intelligence.

Second, we must learn to accept who we are; accepting the mental you can be as simple as adjusting your self-focus.  Nothing can kill the growth of true love faster than a general lack of self-confidence, self-loathing, depression, or debilitating stress and their accompanying negative neural superhighways.  If a balanced potential partner picks up on depressive emotional cues, I assure you he or she will run away faster than a Mississippi Frog on a hot plate.  Rather than focusing on what you don’t have or haven’t accomplished, try focusing on what you do have and have accomplished.  If you consider that the happiest person in the world is a hobo with a ham sandwich, you may gain the perspective to find your own acceptance.

The good news is that, unlike instinctual physical connections, we can learn how to accomplish these prerequisites for emotional connection.  Study your instinctual and perceptual communication and realize why you experience various feelings.  Bring these feelings into a concept framework for analysis rather than avoiding or ignoring them and help your partner to do the same.

Above all, be careful not to blame yourself for feeling a certain way about anything because you can’t help it and, by all means, never allow your partner to blame you or tell you that you should not feel a certain way.  Developing the knowledge and skills to understand the meaning behind your emotions will help you achieve balance and extend that balance to better connect with your partner.

The Intellectual Continuum

True love requires an intellectual, physical, and emotional connection.  Although the miracle of language provides the preferred method for conceptual communication, for love partners, it is not as easy as taking two people who can talk in complete sentences and asking them to connect cognitively.  Knowledge gaps between partners in terms of academic achievements, opinions, roles, cultures, career goals, and financial factors can contribute to conceptual communication barriers and are usually accompanied by strong emotional commitment to individual position.  Conceptual intelligence provides for the only continuum of connection where conscious choices can be made along several subordinate lines.

More than along the continuums of instinctual or perceptual intelligence, conceptual intelligence requires an understanding of personal preferences, tolerance, and intellectual opinions.  Our conceptual intelligence allows us to comprehend via internal analysis where we stand on the corresponding subordinate lines of connection and what points we desire in a potential or current partner.  Notwithstanding, most of us do not give the exercise enough thought or effort.  The good news is that mutual movement along the lines of intellectual connection to equilibrium for partners in a love relationship can actually be conceptually discussed through language.

Finding true love will undoubtedly consist of finding both partners in uncomfortable intellectual and emotional territory from time to time and it is the committed willingness to respect, consider, and actively participate in a partner’s point of view, culture, religion, etc. that separates the have’s from the have not’s.  By expanding your intellectual comfort zone toward a collective consciousness shared between you and your partner, if you are not careful, you might just learn something.