Why We Disconnect

Overview: Before we stir the cauldron or wish upon a star to snatch our perfect match from heaven’s gates we should give further consideration to some common enemies of true love that can lead to the disconnection purgatory of an adequate relationship or the living hell of a harmful one.  True love buzz-kills include Traps, Unrealistic Expectations, and Knowledge Gaps.  How to recognize and avoid these phenomena in a potential or current love partner or in ourselves is critical to forming a true love relationship.  There are also some natural causes of disconnection like opposing personality preferences and our own concept of “I” or ego.  Additionally, our culture, pop-culture and learned predjudices can block the connections of true love or cause imbalance in our love relationships.

The Concept of “I”

Men and women apply the self-focusing lens of “I” differently when processing conceptual inputs in the mind. Men deal with other males by typically applying the concept of “I” to define position or compete for position in hierarchy, while women usually apply the concept of “I” to facilitate cooperation when dealing with other women.  Cooperatively merging the two applications of the filter is a challenging proposition for most couples and a common source of disconnection in love relationships.

The key point here is that too much conscious thought can work as a detractor to dating goals throughout the modern dating process and can be even more counterproductive during the life cycle of an ensuing love relationship.  Consider how many times during the course of your dating life filtering inputs through “I” changed the course of future events at that initial point of execution; that is to say, when you first saw a potential dating partner.  Misinterpretation of verbal and non-verbal communication, due to filtering consciousness, could be the culprit.

Personality Preferences

I would venture to guess that the evolution of different human personality types might have been a response to the ever-increasing complexity and demands of a social and cultural evolution on the mind of man.  Of course, this is pure speculation on my part and without a time machine to go back and confirm a progression of complexity, we will never know for sure.  One thing is certain; since writing became fashionable, humans have sought to explain behavior by categorizing personalities into distinct types and for good reason.

If I could only pick one question for lovers to ask each other several times each day it would be:  Is the concept of us valuable enough for you to make a minor concession to the predisposed behavior of your personality that you are about to display?  The collective consciousness of lovers is created in such ways and, before long, the needs, wants, and desires of each partner are placed before the other creating unbreakable bonds along the physical, emotional, and intellectual continuums of connection.  What establishes bonds in this manner, different and so strong, is that they are incredibly equitable for both partners, within the boundaries of each comfort zone, and are akin to trust during development.  Additionally, they are established over time throughout the infatuation and negotiation phases of the love relationship so, in essence, they mutually rewrite some of the personality software subroutines of both partners.

I believe these connections establish new neural pathways within the brain and the habit of focusing behavioral responses on “I” becomes a habitual personality response focused on “we” thus, continually reinforcing these connections.  Once established, these connections effortlessly produce the reward of collective enlightenment and the joyful fulfillment of an endless infatuation phase for both partners, true love.


The culturally created real manifests in the “who do I want” paradigm and begins at a very young age with the fantasy of perfection in oneself and one’s partner living happily ever after.  From Homer’s Helen to Spielberg’s Indiana Jones, the storytellers of the day have always created characters that have captured our deepest desires for success, excitement, and true love.  From the time we are first able to comprehend their meaning until our final breath, stories of high adventure, success against all odds, and unwavering true love have a tremendous impact on our lives.

A moment of clarity for the moderately confused is offered.  There is nothing culturally glamorous about true love.  It is a private covenant between love partners predicated on a balanced relationship that offers little sensationalism for public consumption.  TRUE LOVE IS NOT A REALITY TV SHOW.  Becoming attracted to each other is an equally non-historic cultural event.  In my experience, true love needs no hero, male or female, and roles are naturally shared with respect to talent and sensibility rather than culturally entrenched propaganda.  For more information on the root causes of disconnection and how to avoid them in your relationship read The Artful Science of True Love.